You ever finish an essay and feel like it just read your mail? But that’s what happened the first time I read The Ways We Lie by Stephanie Ericsson. It’s not some stiff academic lecture about honesty. It’s a mirror. A weirdly calm one Took long enough..
Not obvious, but once you see it — you'll see it everywhere.
Ericsson’s piece has been passed around in writing classes and book clubs for years. And honestly, it’s still one of the clearest looks at how messy human truth-telling really is. If you’ve never sat with the ways we lie by stephanie ericsson, you’re missing a short read that says more than most 300-page books on ethics.
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Here’s the thing — she doesn’t just talk about the big lies. The funhouse mirror kind. She goes after the quiet ones we tell so often we forgot they’re lies at all.
What Is The Ways We Lie by Stephanie Ericsson
So what is this essay, really? That's why ericsson wrote it back in 1992 for Utne Reader, and it reads like a friend thinking out loud. That said, not a professor. That's why it’s a personal, plainspoken breakdown of the different shapes deception takes in everyday life. Not a preacher Still holds up..
She lists and describes about ten types of lies. Some you’ll recognize immediately. Others will make you squirm because you did them before lunch.
The Lie of Fabrication
This is the made-up story. The fake excuse. The résumé padding. Ericsson points out we often fabricate to make life tidier than it was.
The Facade
That’s the image we polish. On top of that, the “I’m fine” when you’re not. That said, the happy couple at dinner who haven’t spoken kindly in a week. The facade is less about words and more about the whole performance But it adds up..
The White Lie
We all know this one. The “no, your haircut looks great” lie. Because of that, ericsson doesn’t pretend these don’t have a social use. But she asks what happens when the small untruths pile up It's one of those things that adds up. Surprisingly effective..
Ignoring the Plain Facts
One of her sharper points — sometimes the lie isn’t what we say. It’s what we refuse to see. She calls this ignoring the plain facts, and in practice it’s how decent people enable ugly things.
Deflecting
Changing the subject. Joking through the serious moment. Deflecting keeps the real conversation from ever starting.
Stereotyping and Groupthink
Ericsson includes the lies we tell by collapsing people into categories. And the ones we tell because everyone around us is telling them Still holds up..
Out-and-Out Lies
The deliberate, knowing falsehood. The kind with intent. She doesn’t spend forever here because, as she says, we already know those exist.
The Dissembling
Saying something technically true that hides the real truth. The classic “I didn’t lie, I just didn’t tell you everything.”
Delusion
Maybe the scariest. Which means when you’ve lied so long you believe yourself. Ericsson treats this with a kind of sad respect No workaround needed..
The Betrayal of Silence
Not speaking when truth was needed. She argues silence can be its own loud lie It's one of those things that adds up..
Why It Matters More Than We Admit
Why does this matter? We treat “lie” like a checkbox — either you did or you didn’t. Here's the thing — because most people skip it. Ericsson shows the truth is closer to a spectrum, and we’re all standing on it.
In real life, the cost of small lies isn’t a courtroom. It’s erosion. In real terms, trust wears down a little each time. A white lie here, a facade there, and suddenly nobody in the room believes anyone — including themselves.
Turns out, the essay landed during a time people felt pretty cynical about public truth. When you read her examples, you start auditing your own week. But the personal angle is what sticks. I know it sounds simple — but it’s easy to miss how often we edit reality to keep the day moving.
And here’s what most guides get wrong about Ericsson: they treat it like a morality checklist. It isn’t. It’s a description of how people actually operate, written without flinching.
How The Essay Works As A Tool
The short version is, Ericsson uses personal story plus plain categorization. Here's the thing — that’s the whole engine. But the way she does it is worth looking at, because it’s why the piece still gets assigned.
Start With A Hook
She opens with a small personal moment — a lie she told, or caught herself in. Not a stats dump. That pulls you in because you’ve been there Simple, but easy to overlook..
Name Each Lie, Then Ground It
For every type, she gives a real scenario. The coworker. The friend. The self. You never feel like you’re reading theory. You’re reading life with the labels added after And that's really what it comes down to..
Use Repetition As Rhythm
Ericsson repeats the phrase “we lie” in different forms. It builds a drumbeat. By the end, the reader feels the weight of frequency, not just definition Took long enough..
Move From Small To Heavy
She doesn’t start with delusion or betrayal. She starts with the easy stuff. White lies. And facades. Then she walks you into the lies that undo people and systems And that's really what it comes down to..
End On Responsibility
The closing isn’t “be good.On top of that, ” It’s more like: here’s the water we’re swimming in, here’s what noticing does. That’s why it respects the reader And that's really what it comes down to..
In practice, if you want to use the essay in a class or a team workshop, that structure is the takeaway. Show the human cost. On the flip side, name the behavior. Let people find themselves in it Practical, not theoretical..
Common Mistakes People Make When Reading It
Look, I’ve seen this essay used badly. A lot.
One mistake is treating it like a sin list. You do the facade thing.Day to day, people read it and start pointing at others. Here's the thing — ” That misses the point entirely. On the flip side, “See? Ericsson implicates herself first That's the part that actually makes a difference..
Another is ignoring the cultural context. She wrote this in early 90s America, pre-social media. The lies didn’t go away — they got faster. But some examples age differently. Worth knowing if you’re teaching it.
And a big one: skipping the quieter lies. Readers love the “out-and-out lie” because it’s easy to condemn. They breeze past ignoring the plain facts or betrayal of silence. But those are the ones that do the most damage in families and offices.
Real talk — the essay isn’t about catching liars. Day to day, it’s about seeing the habit in yourself. Most people get that backwards.
Practical Tips For Getting Something Out Of It
If you’re actually going to sit with the ways we lie by stephanie ericsson, here’s what works.
Read it once just to read. Here's the thing — don’t take notes. Let it land.
Then go back and mark the one type you do most. For me, it’s deflecting. Not the one you judge in others — the one you do. On the flip side, i’ll make a joke before the real talk starts. Every time.
After that, try a week of noticing. Not fixing. Because of that, just noticing. You’ll be shocked how often the facade shows up in small talk.
If you’re using it in a group, don’t assign blame. Use prompts like “which one surprised you?” or “where do you see this online?” That keeps it honest instead of defensive That's the part that actually makes a difference..
And here’s a tip most miss: pair it with one real conversation. Tell someone a true thing you’d normally edit. The essay opens the door — you still have to walk through Worth knowing..
FAQ
What is the main idea of The Ways We Lie by Stephanie Ericsson? The main idea is that lying isn’t just big deliberate falsehoods — it’s a set of everyday behaviors, from white lies to silence, that shape how we relate to truth and each other.
How many types of lies does Ericsson describe? She covers around ten, including fabrication, facade, white lies, ignoring facts, deflecting, stereotyping, outright lies, dissembling, delusion, and silence.
Is The Ways We Lie a book or an essay? It’s an essay, originally published in 1992. It’s often reprinted in anthologies and used in writing or ethics courses.
**Why is the betrayal
of silence included as a lie at all?**
Because silence isn’t neutral when the truth is called for. Think about it: ericsson argues that refusing to speak — when speaking would protect someone, correct a wrong, or honor a reality — is itself a falsehood. You’re communicating “this didn’t happen” or “this doesn’t matter” without saying a word. But the betrayal is that the lie is built from absence, which makes it easier to deny later. People who’ve been gaslit by omission know exactly how loud that quiet can be Not complicated — just consistent. That's the whole idea..
Can reading this essay actually change how you behave?
Only if you let it. The essay doesn’t hand you a rulebook — it hands you a mirror. Most readers put it down unchanged because noticing your own evasions is uncomfortable. But the ones who sit with the discomfort, who trace one pattern from the page into their own week, tend to lie a little less carelessly afterward. Not perfectly. Just less automatically Turns out it matters..
Conclusion
The Ways We Lie works because it doesn’t ask you to be morally superior — it asks you to be awake. Ericsson’s list isn’t a weapon for judging strangers; it’s a map of the small retreats from truth we all make to stay comfortable, liked, or safe. The value isn’t in memorizing the categories. Day to day, it’s in the moment you recognize your own voice in one of them and decide, quietly, to tell the straighter version next time. That’s the whole practice: see the lie, name it, and choose differently when you can.
